HOW TO BE THE "ULTIMATE" PARENT

We all know what a bad parent looks like: intolerant,
constantly critical, more interested in their own affairs
(in both senses of the word) than in the needs of their
children. But what does it take to be a good parent? What
does it take to give your children the very best start to
life that you possibly can?

In the 1960's John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the
effects of parenting on children. In those days he coined
the term "good-enough parenting". His thesis was that
provided you avoided the sins of "bad" parenting, you were
doing okay, and your children, with their own natural
resilience, would also do okay.

So is that all there is to it? Or are there things that
you, as a parent, can do to be more than just a "good
enough" parent. Can you, indeed, be a "super parent", even
the "ultimate" parent? Or is that just a myth of the
feminist movement?

Well, let's get one thing straight once and for all: No one
is perfect. Try as you might, you will never be a "perfect"
parent. You will never get it right every moment of every
day for every year of your children's growing lives. Nor do
you need to. In that sense, Bowlby's concept of "good
enough" is very true. You do not need to be perfect. Your
kids WILL survive. "Good enough" is good enough

But, I suspect that you probably want more for your kids
than just average. I strongly believe that there are things
you can do, and attitudes you can adopt, that will give your
children the very best start to life they could possibly
have. And, at the same time, will actually make life easier
and more fulfilling for yourself too. It is not a long
list, but if you can manage the following, then I believe
you have every right to call yourself the "ultimate" parent:

1) Recognize you are human. You cannot do everything, you
cannot be everywhere, you cannot know everything. You will
make mistakes. You also have your own issues, problems and
hang-ups from your own past. That is all okay. The key to
this game is not being perfect, but having the right
attitude.

What is the right attitude? Being humble. Recognising that
you have much to learn (we all do) and being willing to be
teachable and to learn from your mistakes. A sign of
genuine maturity is being able to look back at your past,
recognize the mistakes you made, and say "this is what I
have learnt about myself, and what I need to work on
changing about myself".

But there is a flip side to this. Constantly putting
yourself down with an "I'm no good" attitude is just as bad
as the "I have nothing to learn" attitude. Forgive yourself
for your mistakes. Celebrate your successes. Look back to
the past only long enough to learn from it, then set your
sights forward, and press on in the directions YOU want to
go. If you have any serious issues from the past, be brave
enough to seek help and get over them.

2) Recognize you are playing a percentage game. We have all
heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived
backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of
themselves. And the kids from the very best of families (as
demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off the rails
into drugs and crime.

The reality is that you, the parent, are only one factor in
your children's upbringing. They are also subject to
influence from friends, other relatives, teachers, shop
keepers, TV, magazines and, of course, their own genetic
makeup.

You cannot control all the variables. You might be the very
best, the ultimate parent, and yet your kids turn out as
failures. You might be the very worst, alcoholic and
abusive parent, and yet your kids do fine. Nothing in life
is guaranteed.

So you play the percentages. You know that if you beat your
kids, they are more likely to turn out bad than good. So,
on average, beating your kids is probably not a good idea.
Using fair and consistent discipline probably produces
better odds for a successful outcome - so do that instead.

Your success as a parent is NOT determined by how well your
children turn out. It IS determined by whether you did all
you reasonably could to do the right things and make the
right decisions for them, WITH THE KNOWLEDGE YOU HAD AT THE
TIME. Maybe those decisions turn out to be the wrong ones.
So be it. That does not mean you failed as a parent. But,
if you were too lazy to get the facts, if you just took the
easiest decision without thinking about the impact on your
children, then, I believe, you have failed - even if it
turns out that the decision was the right one!

3) Recognize your children are not the only things in your
life. In this day and age we seem to be obsessed with the
idea that the interests of the children come first, before
anything else. I strongly disagree with that concept. Yes,
we must consider the best interests of the child, but there
are other things to consider too.

It may be, for instance, that taking a new job in a
different city might be the best thing for your family -
even if it means taking your child away from his school and
friends.

By putting children first in everything we run the danger of
creating a selfish, "me first" generation where they grow up
believing that the world owes them a living. Sometimes
children have to take second place - and that in itself is
an important lesson about life. Yes, before making any
decision consider its impact on the children. But, in the
end, make up your own mind as to what would be best for the
family as a whole.

4) Look to the long term. Raising children is a long drawn-
out process. Have your long-term goals in mind. How do you
want them to turn out as adults? What qualities and skills
do they need to learn? What experiences do they need along
the way, to learn those skills and character traits?

Many times as parents we are faced with the choice of taking
an easy, short-term quick fix, or a harder approach that
will bear much more fruit in the long term. The TV is such
a classic example of this. How easy is it, when the kids
are playing up, to just switch on the TV as the electronic
babysitter? A quick fix for the immediate hassle or rowdy
kids. But how much better, in the long run, to spend a bit
of time teaching them how to build a model, or sew a soft
toy, or put together a jigsaw?

Call me a Luddite, if you will, but if you really want to be
the ultimate parent I believe the very best thing you could
do would be to sell the TV! Go out to the cinema as a
family, instead. Or go around to your friends or relatives
to watch a movie together as an "event". But don't just
have the TV on for hours every day.

Why? Because of the old saying "garbage in, garbage out".
Is the stuff on TV really what you want your kids to be
absorbing and learning? Do you really want them to depend
on passive entertainment? Is it not better that they learn
how to entertain themselves?

4) Look for the positives. Like you, your children will
make mistakes. Forgive them. Correct them gently and move
on. Always be looking for what they did right, not what
they did wrong. Children crave their parents' attention.
Pay attention to what they do wrong, and they will do more
of it. Pay attention to what they do right, and they will
be eager to please your more.

Besides, it is just so much more fun to be in reward mode
than punishment mode.

Finding yourself stuck in punishment mode? Then go back to
Key 1, recognize you need to change something, and have the
humility to go and get a good book, or seek help, so that
you can find the way out.

5) Stick to your guns. Believe in yourself. If you are
doing all the above, then you are well on the right track.
There will be times when you make decisions and you get
challenged on them, either by your children, or by others
(such as interfering relatives). Unless there genuinely are
new facts that you weren't aware of before, don't be
swayed.

And don't be afraid to say no - to your children and your
relatives - if that is the right thing to say.

Sure, your decision may turn out to be a bad one. That
happens. Hindsight is 20-20. But far better to stick to
your decision than to be a plastic bag blowing about in the
breeze. You children are watching you; watching how you
deal with life, how you make decisions, how you cope with
adversity, how you believe in yourself and stand up for
yourself and your family. Be a good example for them.

By Dr. Noel Swanson


Dr. Noel Swanson, Consultant Child Psychiatrist and author
of "The GOOD CHILD Guide", specializes in children's
behavioral difficulties and writes a free newsletter for
parents. He can be contacted through his website:
www.good-child-guide.com.