HOW TO BE THE "ULTIMATE" PARENT

We all know what a bad parent looks like: intolerant,
constantly critical, more interested in their own affairs
(in both senses of the word) than in the needs of their
children. But what does it take to be a good parent? What
does it take to give your children the very best start to
life that you possibly can?

In the 1960's John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the
effects of parenting on children. In those days he coined
the term "good-enough parenting". His thesis was that
provided you avoided the sins of "bad" parenting, you were
doing okay, and your children, with their own natural
resilience, would also do okay.

So is that all there is to it? Or are there things that
you, as a parent, can do to be more than just a "good
enough" parent. Can you, indeed, be a "super parent", even
the "ultimate" parent? Or is that just a myth of the
feminist movement?

Well, let's get one thing straight once and for all: No one
is perfect. Try as you might, you will never be a "perfect"
parent. You will never get it right every moment of every
day for every year of your children's growing lives. Nor do
you need to. In that sense, Bowlby's concept of "good
enough" is very true. You do not need to be perfect. Your
kids WILL survive. "Good enough" is good enough

But, I suspect that you probably want more for your kids
than just average. I strongly believe that there are things
you can do, and attitudes you can adopt, that will give your
children the very best start to life they could possibly
have. And, at the same time, will actually make life easier
and more fulfilling for yourself too. It is not a long
list, but if you can manage the following, then I believe
you have every right to call yourself the "ultimate" parent:

1) Recognize you are human. You cannot do everything, you
cannot be everywhere, you cannot know everything. You will
make mistakes. You also have your own issues, problems and
hang-ups from your own past. That is all okay. The key to
this game is not being perfect, but having the right
attitude.

What is the right attitude? Being humble. Recognising that
you have much to learn (we all do) and being willing to be
teachable and to learn from your mistakes. A sign of
genuine maturity is being able to look back at your past,
recognize the mistakes you made, and say "this is what I
have learnt about myself, and what I need to work on
changing about myself".

But there is a flip side to this. Constantly putting
yourself down with an "I'm no good" attitude is just as bad
as the "I have nothing to learn" attitude. Forgive yourself
for your mistakes. Celebrate your successes. Look back to
the past only long enough to learn from it, then set your
sights forward, and press on in the directions YOU want to
go. If you have any serious issues from the past, be brave
enough to seek help and get over them.

2) Recognize you are playing a percentage game. We have all
heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived
backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of
themselves. And the kids from the very best of families (as
demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off the rails
into drugs and crime.

The reality is that you, the parent, are only one factor in
your children's upbringing. They are also subject to
influence from friends, other relatives, teachers, shop
keepers, TV, magazines and, of course, their own genetic
makeup.

You cannot control all the variables. You might be the very
best, the ultimate parent, and yet your kids turn out as
failures. You might be the very worst, alcoholic and
abusive parent, and yet your kids do fine. Nothing in life
is guaranteed.

So you play the percentages. You know that if you beat your
kids, they are more likely to turn out bad than good. So,
on average, beating your kids is probably not a good idea.
Using fair and consistent discipline probably produces
better odds for a successful outcome - so do that instead.

Your success as a parent is NOT determined by how well your
children turn out. It IS determined by whether you did all
you reasonably could to do the right things and make the
right decisions for them, WITH THE KNOWLEDGE YOU HAD AT THE
TIME. Maybe those decisions turn out to be the wrong ones.
So be it. That does not mean you failed as a parent. But,
if you were too lazy to get the facts, if you just took the
easiest decision without thinking about the impact on your
children, then, I believe, you have failed - even if it
turns out that the decision was the right one!

3) Recognize your children are not the only things in your
life. In this day and age we seem to be obsessed with the
idea that the interests of the children come first, before
anything else. I strongly disagree with that concept. Yes,
we must consider the best interests of the child, but there
are other things to consider too.

It may be, for instance, that taking a new job in a
different city might be the best thing for your family -
even if it means taking your child away from his school and
friends.

By putting children first in everything we run the danger of
creating a selfish, "me first" generation where they grow up
believing that the world owes them a living. Sometimes
children have to take second place - and that in itself is
an important lesson about life. Yes, before making any
decision consider its impact on the children. But, in the
end, make up your own mind as to what would be best for the
family as a whole.

4) Look to the long term. Raising children is a long drawn-
out process. Have your long-term goals in mind. How do you
want them to turn out as adults? What qualities and skills
do they need to learn? What experiences do they need along
the way, to learn those skills and character traits?

Many times as parents we are faced with the choice of taking
an easy, short-term quick fix, or a harder approach that
will bear much more fruit in the long term. The TV is such
a classic example of this. How easy is it, when the kids
are playing up, to just switch on the TV as the electronic
babysitter? A quick fix for the immediate hassle or rowdy
kids. But how much better, in the long run, to spend a bit
of time teaching them how to build a model, or sew a soft
toy, or put together a jigsaw?

Call me a Luddite, if you will, but if you really want to be
the ultimate parent I believe the very best thing you could
do would be to sell the TV! Go out to the cinema as a
family, instead. Or go around to your friends or relatives
to watch a movie together as an "event". But don't just
have the TV on for hours every day.

Why? Because of the old saying "garbage in, garbage out".
Is the stuff on TV really what you want your kids to be
absorbing and learning? Do you really want them to depend
on passive entertainment? Is it not better that they learn
how to entertain themselves?

4) Look for the positives. Like you, your children will
make mistakes. Forgive them. Correct them gently and move
on. Always be looking for what they did right, not what
they did wrong. Children crave their parents' attention.
Pay attention to what they do wrong, and they will do more
of it. Pay attention to what they do right, and they will
be eager to please your more.

Besides, it is just so much more fun to be in reward mode
than punishment mode.

Finding yourself stuck in punishment mode? Then go back to
Key 1, recognize you need to change something, and have the
humility to go and get a good book, or seek help, so that
you can find the way out.

5) Stick to your guns. Believe in yourself. If you are
doing all the above, then you are well on the right track.
There will be times when you make decisions and you get
challenged on them, either by your children, or by others
(such as interfering relatives). Unless there genuinely are
new facts that you weren't aware of before, don't be
swayed.

And don't be afraid to say no - to your children and your
relatives - if that is the right thing to say.

Sure, your decision may turn out to be a bad one. That
happens. Hindsight is 20-20. But far better to stick to
your decision than to be a plastic bag blowing about in the
breeze. You children are watching you; watching how you
deal with life, how you make decisions, how you cope with
adversity, how you believe in yourself and stand up for
yourself and your family. Be a good example for them.

By Dr. Noel Swanson


Dr. Noel Swanson, Consultant Child Psychiatrist and author
of "The GOOD CHILD Guide", specializes in children's
behavioral difficulties and writes a free newsletter for
parents. He can be contacted through his website:
www.good-child-guide.com.

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TIPS FOR A HEALTHY LIVING

Technology has been of great assistance to man, infact life of today has become more of press button than it was some years back. This technological age has inadvertently created a culture of physical inactivity for most people. No wonder the alarming increase in privileged ailment like heart desease, diabetes etc. It is therefore imperative we consciously engage ourselves in physical activities to stay fit and healthy.

Physical Activity and Exercise

Benefits of Regular Exercise:

• Regular exercise can prevent and reverse age-related decreases in muscle mass and strength, improve balance, flexibility, and endurance, and decrease the risk of falls in the elderly. Regular exercise can help prevent coronary heart desease, strokem, diabetes, obesity and high blood pressure. Regular, weight-bearing exercise can also help prevent osteoporosis by building bone strength.
• Regular exercise can help chronic arthritis sufferers improve their capacity to perform daily activities such as driving, climbing stairs, and opening jars.
• Regular exercise can help increase self-esteem and self-confidence, decrease stress and anxiety, enhance mood, and improve general mental health.
• Regular exercise can help control weight gain.

Consequences of Physical Inactivity and Lack of Exercise:

• Physical inactivity and lack of exercise are associated with heart disease and some cancers.
• Physical inactivity and lack of exercise are associated with Type II diabetes mellitus (also known as maturity or adult, non-insulin dependent diabetes).
• Physical inactivity and lack of exercise contribute to weight gain.

Exercise Recommendations:

• 30 minutes of modest exercise (walkinf is OK) at least three to five days a week is recommended. But, the greatest health benefits come from exercising most days of the week.
• Exercise can be broken up into smaller 10-minute sessions.
• Start slowly and progress gradually to avoid injury or excessive soreness or fatigue. Over time, build up to 30 to 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise every day.
• People are never too old to start exercising. Even frail, elderly individuals (ages 70-90 years) can improve their strength and balance.

Exercise Precautions:

Individuals can begin moderate exercise, such as walking, without a medical examination. The following persons, however, should consult a doctor before beginning more vigorous exercise:

• Men over age 40 or women over age 50.
• Individuals with heart or lung disease, asthma, arthritis, or osteoporosis.

Individuals who experience chest pressure or pain with exertion, or who develop fatigue or shortness of breathe easily.

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THE BIGGEST HEALTH DANGER TO MEN

Do you know that thirty minutes of exercise a day can significantly lower your risk of a major disease.

A lot of people have a potentially life-threatening disease—and a significant proportion don't even know it. According to new studies on heart, Lung, and blood from various groups and institutions, more adults than ever have high blood pressure. In fact, it is now the leading risk factor for heart disease and stroke worldwide. And here's the scariest part: Because it doesn’t usually cause symptoms, by the time some people realize they have high blood pressure (a.k.a. hypertension), it already may have caused significant damage in the form of heart disease, stroke, vision or kidney problems, or, in men, erectile dysfunction.
Men are most at risk to go untreated, according to a recent study by the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas. Young to middle-aged men are the most likely to be unaware of the problem, since many don't go to a doctor unless they feel sick. "Because it's not associated with any specific symptoms early in its course, high blood pressure is not something that typically takes someone to a physician’s office," says Dr. Daniel W. Jones, a former president of the American Heart Association and dean of the School of Medicine at the University of Mississippi. "It just doesn’t get your attention." But it should. There's a reason high blood pressure is called "the silent killer."

Lower Your Risk
As people live longer, their risk of developing hypertension (defined as blood pressure of 140/90 or higher) increases, particularly after age 45. "Overweight and obesity are a big part of the increasing prevalence," says Dr. Jeffrey Cutler, a consultant to the NHLBI and National Institutes of Health (NIH). "The increasing consumption of salt in our diets may be a factor too, because obesity raises a person’s sensitivity to the blood-pressure-raising effects of salt." There are steps you can take to reduce your risk, though, no matter what your age or current health. "In the vast majority of people, a very healthy lifestyle can prevent hypertension,"

Lose Weight
A study at the University of Padua in Italy found that overweight people who lost between 9 percent and 13 percent of their body weight experienced on average a 6.2-point drop in their systolic blood pressure (the top number) and a 3.6-point drop in their diastolic pressure (the bottom number)—improvements that were sustained six years later.

Change How You Eat
Some people appear to be more sensitive to salt than others, putting them at higher risk for developing hypertension. Nevertheless, doctors recommend that most people lower their salt intake and increase their potassium. An easy way to do this is to follow the DASH (Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension) plan, which the NIH developed to lower blood pressure without medication. It has less salt, fat, and sugar than the typical diet and includes fruits, vegetables, low-fat dairy foods, whole-grain products, fish, poultry, nuts, and seeds. The DASH plan is usually the first-line treatment, along with exercise, for people with pre-hypertension—unless they have a chronic disease such as diabetes or kidney problems, in which case they may be prescribed medication. It is also recommended for those who have full-blown hypertension and are taking drugs to treat it.

Exercise Regularly
Regular exercise can improve your aerobic conditioning, which will result in a healthy drop in blood pressure, explains Dom¬enic A. Sica, M.D., a professor of medicine and chairman of clinical pharmacology and hypertension at Virginia Commonwealth University. It doesn't have to be vigorous: In a recent review of 26 studies, researchers at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and Harvard Medical School's Osher Institute concluded that low-impact exercises such as tai chi (a Chinese system of slow meditative physical exercise designed for relaxation and balance and health) can reduce blood pressure. Meanwhile, a study at Syracuse University found that resistance training can lower blood pressure in those who have pre- or stage-1 hypertension.

Get Enough Sleep
"When you go to sleep at night, blood pressure typically drops 15 percent to 30 percent, and your heart rate can drop as much as 30 percent," says Dr. Sica. The overnight reduction can positively affect your blood pressure the next day. On the other hand, a short or fragmented night’s sleep can produce the opposite effect, increasing blood pressure the next day.

TREATMENT OPTIONS
Several classes of drugs can be used to control hypertension, including diuretics, ACE inhibitors, angiotensin receptor antagonists, beta-blockers, calcium channel blockers, and a drug (approved in 2007) that inhibits renin, a kidney enzyme. In many cases, people will require two or more drugs to bring their blood pressure into the normal range. Because various drugs work in different ways, they can have a complementary, often synergistic effect in reducing blood pressure. Plus, if you use more than one, you usually can take a lower dose of each, which can help you avoid some of the potentially unpleasant side effects (such as swelling, flushing, and headaches), says Dr. Sica.

It is important that you stick with the medication regimen outlined by your doctor. If your blood-pressure readings still aren’t getting into the optimal zone, expect to have your prescriptions or dosages adjusted. "Sometimes you need to try different combinations of drugs until you find the one that works for you," Dr. Sica advises.

Monitor Yourself
Doctors recommend that people with hypertension regularly monitor their blood pressure at home. Blood pressure can vary considerably, fluctuating as much as 30 percent over a relatively short period of time, depending on environmental conditions or what you’re doing, says Dr. Jones. Home monitoring can help you see how your blood pressure shifts throughout the day and is affected by various activities. Knowing what makes a difference can help you get your blood pressure into the target range.

WHAT THE NUMBERS MEAN
The only way to tell if you have high blood pressure before it takes a toll is to have regular checkups. Because pressure can vary throughout the day and be affected by whether you are standing or sitting, doctors will often take more than one reading during a single visit.
• Top number: Called "systolic pressure," it measures the pressure within blood vessels as your heart beats.
• Bottom number: This records "diastolic pressure," which happens between beats while your heart is at rest.
• Normal: Under 120/80
• Pre-hypertension: 120/80 to 139/89
• High blood pressure: Over 140/90

This post was prepared with the help of an article by Stacey Colino, PARADE Magazine

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